When I turned 25 years old I thought my life was over. Twenty-five was so old. Stephen and I had been dating since I was 21 and we broke up a month before my 25th birthday. I had always pictured myself married by age 25 and here I found myself, at 25, single and OLD. My youth was gone! No more student discounts on Eurorail passes. Not that I ever bought a Eurorail pass before but I was no longer eligible for one. Ramona and I ran off to Mexico for a quick trip and I spent the week loaded on tequila. It was so hard to be 25.

Well I finally accepted being 25. And I have readily celebrated each birthday since. In fact, I kept imagining that turning 50 would be the next hardest one. I mean that is half of a century! Middle-aged! OLD! No worries until then, right?

But here I am, facing my 39th birthday in 64 days and I am terrified! I keep thinking what made me lose my sanity to think that it was ok to have a child at 38. That is way too old. WTF was I thinking? I feel old. I am old.

So this old mom had a very crappy day today. I did everything wrong today, from yelling at my children to trying to put them on a guilt trip and ignoring them. I wish I could redo today. I rarely think about things like that. Mostly I wish that the next day would be better but I do wish I could have today back and redo things. What I would do differently:

- I would not throw the lego into the garage when the boys were fighting over it
- I would not give the kids as many choices at lunch so I would not have had to make two different types of soup
- I would not yell at Dex for taking too long to go pee
- I would not yell at Dex for yelling and waking up Cars
- I would not yell at Dex and Jax while nursing Cars so Cars would not cringe
- I would not tell my children that I am obviously a terrible mother since I have not taught to be as self-sufficient as I think 3 and 5 year olds should be
- I would have read more than just two books to them

Now this old mom will bid adieu as I go and feed my very young baby. He, and his brothers, deserve a better mother and I certainly hope she is here tomorrow...