I took Jax and Dex to see "Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix". I loved it! They had to change many details because that book is monsterous but I thought the visual effects in HP&TOOTP were amazing. Although, I must admit that if I had not recently re-read the book then I might be a bit lost. I think the movies have always relied heavily on the expectation that you had read the books.

I am starting to get ready for our camping trip. Looking ahead at the weather, it is going to be cool and today they changed Saturday's forecast to say 30% chance of rain. Noooooooo! I am worried a little about getting everything into the van so I think we need to buy a soft-sided carrier for the roof to put the sleeping bags and pillows in. This year we will be bringing our own tent (we borrowed last year) which will take up quite a bit of room.

I also need to bake a pan of brownies for us to eat on Sunday for Cars' 4th birthday. Can you believe my baby is going to be *4*?! Four! I look at how much my life has changed in the past 4 years. I had a baby, thought I was going to die on the operating table and later the next day. I fell in the deep, dark pit of ppd and slowly climbed my way back out. In fact, I started this blog shortly after I was diagnosed with ppd. Well, actually it was my first blog that I started which I then deleted before I started this one. Going back and re-reading parts of this blog sometimes brings tears to my eyes. I don't always recognize that person I was and I feel badly for her/me because I know the pain that she was in. Knowing what I was feeling when I wrote sometimes seemingly innocculous blog entries saddens me. But it also gives me hope because I know I am no longer that person.

I often joke that I was crazy but the truth was, it was no joke. I was crazy. The thoughts that would go through my head scared me. I lived for Fridays when Nanny would come for 4 hours so I did not have to be a mom for a little bit. Well, sometimes I had to finish nursing Cars before I could go out. Or come back early to nurse him since he often would not take a bottle. But those Fridays were mine. Even though I mostly spent that time at Costco or Fred Meyer or Safeway, doing things that were not just for me but for my family. I got to shop alone. And it was heaven.

I also think I am so lucky that I was able to recover from ppd. Crazy Doctor helped a lot. Never underestimate the power of psychotherapy. I think I have mentioned before too that if I had been brave enough to take meds, I might have recovered sooner. I just did not feel that I had the support I needed to help me if the drugs did not help or made things worse. Seems silly now but when you are crazy...

Anyway, when I started typing this post I was thinking about all the wonderful things about Cars turning 4 but wow, this post did not end up that way at all. I am so proud of him because he is smart and funny and so very lovable (albeit bossy and stubborn). He totally makes our family complete. I love all of my boys with my whole heart and soul.