***Ok, because it is not my week to see my counselor I am ranting here and I am not very nice here***

My mother is a whack. She announced to me yesterday that she is telling each and every one of us that she does not want anything for Christmas and that we are to take whatever money we would have spent on her and send it to my sister so her kids can have a good Christmas. WTF?! I told her that was presumptuous of her and she became irate with me. She then told me that two of my cousins have given money to my sister over the years for Christmas and why can't HER children (meaning my mom's kids) do the same.

First of all, lady, I have given sister-dear money several times over the years and while she always professed that she would repay me, I never expected to be paid back (and never was). It is none of your business that I have given her money which is why you don't know about it.

Secondly, what makes you think that I was even going to buy you something? You tell me every year that you don't want/need anything so we always make a donation in your name to the food bank or in the case of last year, the Kindering Center where Dex received his speech therapy. This year it was to be The Food Allergy Network.

And for the record, I always send my niece and nephew Christmas gifts. And even sister-dear gets something for Christmas, even though I don't draw her name. Usually I send her money but last year I had decided not to send her money ever again so I sent her a bracelet that I made. I don't even know if it was received because, as usual, she could not be bothered to let me know if she received the package that included the gift and the gift certificates for her children.

And, sister-dear always says that we look down on her and make her feel like a loser. Imagine how she will feel when we suddenly send her a lot of cash at Christmas? "Here sis. You have cancer so here's some money." WTF is my mother thinking?!

Anyway, for the record. I do love my sister. I love her greatly. I have tried for over twenty-five years to stay close to her even though we have lived thousands of kilometers apart. She has consistently rejected most attempts at any contact. When she was working, she would occasionally send me an email and that is about it. She has only ever called me when my mom has been visiting me...except for the couple of times when she needed money.

I defended her actions - or rather made excuses for her - to my brothers for years. Stephen always told me that she was responsible for the choices that she made in her life. Yes, some rotten things have happened to her but she made the choices about how to respond to those things. And clearly her choices were not the same ones I would have made and rarely did her choices work out for her.

Last year though, I decided enough was enough. After her boorish behaviour at JP's wedding and her affront to my oldest brother, I decided that enough was enough and I would not condone her conduct or expose my children to it. For the rest of our time in Vancouver, Stephen kept the kids away from my family (so they were away from her).

And now she has cancer. And not just a few cancerous cells. She will be having a full hysterectomy apparently. She has to have another procedure this week to determine how far the cancer has spread. Hopefully not to her lymph nodes. I pray not to her lymph nodes.

I hate that I am angry about this. I hate that she is sick. I hate that my mother is completely wigged out. I hate that my niece and nephew are older and wiser than they need to be because of the poor choices their mother has made over the years. I hate this and I don't want to feel this way.