I was trying to find a post about my sister yesterday (before I remembered that I deleted most of them) and I found this. I wrote it over 9 years ago:
Here is the list of 50 Things About Me (this is a repeat for anyone who may read HER TIME on Delphiforums):
1. I am 40 years old but still feel 18 sometimes (not youthful, just immature) **almost 50 and still feel the same
2. I have three boys
3. I always thought I would have a girl
4. I met my dh at university
5. We were in almost all of the same psychology classes together that year
6. He asked me to marry him twice
7. I said no the first time
8. I am a chronic worrier
9. I probably should be on anti-anxiety medication **now have Xanax to take just in case
10. But that worries me more than the anxiety
11. I had (have) post-partum depression after my third child
12. I am still going to counselling for it two years later but go once every three weeks now **no more
13. I love being creative
14. I make beaded jewerly, I knit (simple items), and I paint **now I do wood carving
15. I would love to go back to school for graphic design **still think about this!
16. But I worry about the cost, if I am good enough, etc
17. I wish I had more friends IRL
18. I would rather stick hot pokers in my eyes than speak in public
19. I get tongue-tied when I am nervous and end up sounding like a fool
20. I miss Toronto and hope to move back there one day **good God no! But Vancouver is a possibility
21. I haven't lived there in 12 years **21 years
22. I hate cold winters though so I will probably stay here with the cool, wet winters
23. I think all.the.time about losing weight **same
24. Especially when I am sitting around eating chocolate **same
25. I don't like my sister **same
26. Although really I think I don't like her because I feel rejected by her **same
27. She will not speak to anyone in the family except for my mom because "we are all strangers to her" **same
28. We are strangers because she will not speak to us **same
29. I am sometimes embarrassed when people ask me about her and I cannot tell them more than what I have heard from my mom **same
30. I pray for her a lot **same
31. I pray for my husband too
32. I wish he would attend Church with us
33. I worry about Jackson being exposed to peanuts, especially peanut butter because it is so insidious and gets everywhere **and now Carson to tree nuts since he was not yet diagnosed at the time I originally posted this
34. When I was in the deep depths of ppd, I used to think it might be better if he died so I didn't have to worry about him and peanut butter anymore
35. That is when I sought help
36. I have never told anyone that before and wonder if I am brave enough not to edit it
37. I feel guilty about those thoughts everyday
38. I want to let my hair grow grey **btdt now I am blondish because it blends better with grey
39. I wish I could afford to go to a salon every 4 weeks to colour it
40. I am lazy
41. I am too cheap to go to Starbucks **same
42. I get jealous watching Oprah's "Favorite Things" episodes **thank God Oprah is over
43. I never thought I would be a stay-at-home mom
44. I cannot imagine going back to work in an office
45. My favourite board game is Scrabble but I don't have anyone to play with because Stephen gets annihilated everytime and will not play with me anymore
46. I have wished for world peace every Christmas since I was 10
47. I think Karl Rove is an evil man **same
48. Organized Christmas trees (by colour or theme) are not for me
49. I love decorating my Christmas tree with all the hodgepodge decoartions
50. I hope to catch "Love Actually" on TV this holiday season
Monday, February 23, 2015
Saturday, February 21, 2015
Sisters are
My mom.
My poor mom.
It is sad enough that she had to deal with a physical affliction (blindness stemming from chronic illness - giant cell arteritis). But now to continue to have psychological issues on top of it (stemming, no doubt, from prednisone - the drug used to treat her affliction).
My mom got stuck in time last week. She was stuck in time before she was born. She was worried about how things would play out, being stuck in time before she was born. How would the nurses, who are much younger than she is, come to give her the meds each morning since they also had not been born yet? In the end, she decided to just sit and wait to see what happened and if time resolved itself.
She did not, however, reveal to just anyone that she was stuck in time. She left lovely info for my poor aunt, her sister, who has been dealing with the brunt of everything. My aunt called my brother and told him that we all needed to come see my mom because this was the weirdest thing she had ever said and she was stuck in time for two days (the longest that my mom has been saying weird things).
So, I decided I should go. But then my sister decided she was going this weekend. So I did not book my trip.
We should have know...
I have posted about my sister in the past and, dear reader, if there are any of you left, you may remember having read about her. I have deleted most of my blahg postings about her. She is ... hard to describe.
Actually, not that hard to describe.
My sister is bitter, mean, depressed, angry. There is no joy in her life except when she is making others miserable. I don't know that to be true, really, but it must be because she is often making people feel miserable and shitty so that must make her happy or why would she do it, right?
She loves two people in her life - her son and daughter (both adults and from what I understand, great kids). I suppose she loves my mom too. She did, after all, decide to go see her.
So, my sister's daughter is an EMT and she can get these discounted plane tickets so my sister was able to get a ticket to see my mom and flew yesterday morning. My mom was so happy that my sister was coming to visit. Really happy! I was happy that my mom was happy and that my sister was going when it was so freaking cold (record cold temperatures in Toronto!).
Now, my sister does not have anything to do with me - long story but she blocked me on facebook in October after I defriended her after she reported a photo that I put up of us as kids with our pumpkin - a freaking 40+ year old picture!! So I really did not want to call my mom while my sister was there so we have had minimal contact these past couple of days but this is what happened as told to me by my youngest brother.
So, my sister arrived Friday and my mom was delighted. Saturday morning I woke up and got on my iPad ans say these messages from my brother on Facebook:
And a couple of hours later:
So my poor brother, who is a about 1.5 hours east of the city at his daughter's basketball tournament is dealing with this shit and my sister is behaving like a lunatic!
And my poor mom!!
Later...
Let's be clear here. My sister has not ever been diagnosed with being bipolar. She has been diagnosed with depression in the past. Really, she is just a mean person. My mom is *sure* she is bipolar but only because my sister will talk to her sometimes and not talk to her at others so my mom takes that as the highs and lows of being bipolar.
So, my sister goes to Toronto, threatens and screams at all of the staff in my mom's assisted living who are responsible for my mom's care, gets herself BANNED from the place and then throws another hissy fit, changes her flight and is planning to fly home first thing in the morning. Thankfully she is able to stay with my Aunt.
This is un-fucking-believable!
My youngest brother is now left to mop up the mess in dealing with my mom and with the assisted living centre who had to BAN MY SISTER! OMG, that is so embarrassing!
Meanwhile, DH stayed overnight in Vancouver on a business trip last night so when he arrived home I told him all of it and his response "When are you going?".
I don't want to go!
My poor mom.
My poor mom.
It is sad enough that she had to deal with a physical affliction (blindness stemming from chronic illness - giant cell arteritis). But now to continue to have psychological issues on top of it (stemming, no doubt, from prednisone - the drug used to treat her affliction).
My mom got stuck in time last week. She was stuck in time before she was born. She was worried about how things would play out, being stuck in time before she was born. How would the nurses, who are much younger than she is, come to give her the meds each morning since they also had not been born yet? In the end, she decided to just sit and wait to see what happened and if time resolved itself.
She did not, however, reveal to just anyone that she was stuck in time. She left lovely info for my poor aunt, her sister, who has been dealing with the brunt of everything. My aunt called my brother and told him that we all needed to come see my mom because this was the weirdest thing she had ever said and she was stuck in time for two days (the longest that my mom has been saying weird things).
So, I decided I should go. But then my sister decided she was going this weekend. So I did not book my trip.
We should have know...
I have posted about my sister in the past and, dear reader, if there are any of you left, you may remember having read about her. I have deleted most of my blahg postings about her. She is ... hard to describe.
Actually, not that hard to describe.
My sister is bitter, mean, depressed, angry. There is no joy in her life except when she is making others miserable. I don't know that to be true, really, but it must be because she is often making people feel miserable and shitty so that must make her happy or why would she do it, right?
She loves two people in her life - her son and daughter (both adults and from what I understand, great kids). I suppose she loves my mom too. She did, after all, decide to go see her.
So, my sister's daughter is an EMT and she can get these discounted plane tickets so my sister was able to get a ticket to see my mom and flew yesterday morning. My mom was so happy that my sister was coming to visit. Really happy! I was happy that my mom was happy and that my sister was going when it was so freaking cold (record cold temperatures in Toronto!).
Now, my sister does not have anything to do with me - long story but she blocked me on facebook in October after I defriended her after she reported a photo that I put up of us as kids with our pumpkin - a freaking 40+ year old picture!! So I really did not want to call my mom while my sister was there so we have had minimal contact these past couple of days but this is what happened as told to me by my youngest brother.
So, my sister arrived Friday and my mom was delighted. Saturday morning I woke up and got on my iPad ans say these messages from my brother on Facebook:
So who wants to come to Toronto to bail J out when she gets arrested?
I just got a call from the Suites (assisted living) and first of all mom never told them that J was coming
This morning J was yelling and screaming at the staff, saying they are treating mom like a dog and swearing
She was threatening them
She made several of the nurses cry
They are all afraid to approach her.
I told B (director at assisted living) that if she causes anymore problems to call the police
Auntie is picking them up in a little while to go to her place for lunch and hopefully keep them there for a long time.
J called Auntie and was cursing up a storm about these "fuckin' ladies here" and said she is going home, she can't take seeing the way they treat mom
Mom was in the background crying and yelling if you leave I will never talk to you again
And a couple of hours later:
I just got off the phone with the director of the home.
She told me J is not allowed to come back.
And my poor mom!!
Later...
Damn it
Mom is saying that they can't take her away from me
She said I have to tell them she is bipolar
I said that is not an excuse for assaulting people.
Bipolar Is not a defense against committing a crime.
I hung up on mom
Let's be clear here. My sister has not ever been diagnosed with being bipolar. She has been diagnosed with depression in the past. Really, she is just a mean person. My mom is *sure* she is bipolar but only because my sister will talk to her sometimes and not talk to her at others so my mom takes that as the highs and lows of being bipolar.
So, my sister goes to Toronto, threatens and screams at all of the staff in my mom's assisted living who are responsible for my mom's care, gets herself BANNED from the place and then throws another hissy fit, changes her flight and is planning to fly home first thing in the morning. Thankfully she is able to stay with my Aunt.
This is un-fucking-believable!
My youngest brother is now left to mop up the mess in dealing with my mom and with the assisted living centre who had to BAN MY SISTER! OMG, that is so embarrassing!
Meanwhile, DH stayed overnight in Vancouver on a business trip last night so when he arrived home I told him all of it and his response "When are you going?".
I don't want to go!
My poor mom.
Sunday, February 08, 2015
Dex's tics are back with a vengeance. They do not bother him at all so I hate to bring it to his attention but the constant blowing air through his nose is so annoying! He went to a movie a few days ago and I can only imagine what the other movie patrons were thinking, having to listen to it. Poor kid. I will give it another week before I ask him about going to see the neurologist. It has been years since we have been but might be worth another visit.
Friday, January 23, 2015
So it has been a rough start to my mom moving into assisted living. They went on a lockdown a few days after she went in because so many residents had the flu (12 hospitalizations and 9 others sick at the time the lockdown started). It went on for 2 weeks because more and more residents kept getting sick. Thankfully my mom did not. Anyway, they finally lifted it but my mom had spent two weeks in her room, brooding and feeling sorry for herself and somehow has convinced herself that two of her doctors are "screwing her". OMG, she does not talk that way usually.
The rheumatologist is lowering the prednisone that she is one (still a huge dose) and she thinks she will therefore lose the little bit of peripheral vision that she has left. Also, usually when the prednisone dose goes down, her insulin dose has to go down as well. However, the assisted living centre needs a specific note from her doctor every time there is a change. The doctor says she will give them a verbal ok but they want a note and the doctor won't just write a note (without my mom being seen) to do that and my mom is livid. So much so that she wanted to fire her doctor and took a friend in with her for support do to just that. The doctor told my mom she knew she had a problem with her but the doctor did not have a problem with my mom. She then explained why she would not just write a note without my mom being seen and that just because the prednisone went down does not mean the insulin has to (my mom rants on and on about how the prednisone's diabetes is different than her diabetes!!).
Anyway, after the appointment, my mom's friend told my mom that the doctor's explanation made sense and my mom became angry and said that "Barb is now on Dr. Iwasa's side!". OMG, there are no sides! It is just the doctor, you know, the one with the medical degree, doctoring and being responsible and not bowing to her geriatric patient's whims.
So again, I am concerned about my mom's mental functioning. She is paranoid and seems incapable of rational thought at times. She has become belligerent and argumentative. It might be the meds or stress or maybe just old age causing some dementia. It is sad and scary. My cousin asked my mom if she wanted to live the rest of her life as a cranky person, yelling and arguing with everyone. Because that is what she has turned into. I so wish that I lived closer so that I could help ease everyone's burden and help my mom out. This is really hard for everyone and my mom, I know, is scared and worried all the time (she was like that anyway) and this has just been a harder transition than we were all expecting.
I am getting ready to have to go visit her again. At the very least, we will make a family trip this summer but I imagine I will have to go before then.
The rheumatologist is lowering the prednisone that she is one (still a huge dose) and she thinks she will therefore lose the little bit of peripheral vision that she has left. Also, usually when the prednisone dose goes down, her insulin dose has to go down as well. However, the assisted living centre needs a specific note from her doctor every time there is a change. The doctor says she will give them a verbal ok but they want a note and the doctor won't just write a note (without my mom being seen) to do that and my mom is livid. So much so that she wanted to fire her doctor and took a friend in with her for support do to just that. The doctor told my mom she knew she had a problem with her but the doctor did not have a problem with my mom. She then explained why she would not just write a note without my mom being seen and that just because the prednisone went down does not mean the insulin has to (my mom rants on and on about how the prednisone's diabetes is different than her diabetes!!).
Anyway, after the appointment, my mom's friend told my mom that the doctor's explanation made sense and my mom became angry and said that "Barb is now on Dr. Iwasa's side!". OMG, there are no sides! It is just the doctor, you know, the one with the medical degree, doctoring and being responsible and not bowing to her geriatric patient's whims.
So again, I am concerned about my mom's mental functioning. She is paranoid and seems incapable of rational thought at times. She has become belligerent and argumentative. It might be the meds or stress or maybe just old age causing some dementia. It is sad and scary. My cousin asked my mom if she wanted to live the rest of her life as a cranky person, yelling and arguing with everyone. Because that is what she has turned into. I so wish that I lived closer so that I could help ease everyone's burden and help my mom out. This is really hard for everyone and my mom, I know, is scared and worried all the time (she was like that anyway) and this has just been a harder transition than we were all expecting.
I am getting ready to have to go visit her again. At the very least, we will make a family trip this summer but I imagine I will have to go before then.
Sunday, January 04, 2015
New Year marks 11 years...
I started this blahg 11 years ago this month. I just re-read my first post and I guess I had a previous blog that I don't even remember. I think I started complaining in it and decided that was not the tone I wanted but I am not really sure ... it is funny how we can forget things.
I will be 50 in a little bit - 86 days to be precise. I don't feel that old. I remember why my dad turned 50 (I was 16) and I teased him relentlessly about being 'half a hundred' and '5 decades'. He would get irritated with me. I wonder if he felt as young then as I do now.
I am trying to decide what I am going to do to celebrate my 50th birthday. It is definitely a milestone that needs recognition. A couple of years ago I started a 50 by 50 list but I think I only ever wrote 10 things on it. Too late for a new one?
I will be 50 in a little bit - 86 days to be precise. I don't feel that old. I remember why my dad turned 50 (I was 16) and I teased him relentlessly about being 'half a hundred' and '5 decades'. He would get irritated with me. I wonder if he felt as young then as I do now.
I am trying to decide what I am going to do to celebrate my 50th birthday. It is definitely a milestone that needs recognition. A couple of years ago I started a 50 by 50 list but I think I only ever wrote 10 things on it. Too late for a new one?
Tuesday, December 30, 2014
My mom moved into assisted living a few days ago. I feel a huge sense of relief knowing that there are other people now helping her and that her meds and food worries have been taken away from her. Well, mostly away although she was complaining that they did not give her the right number of pills in the morning (the rheumatologist lowered her prednisone by 5mg so that is one less pill and apparently the doctor's orders on her vitamins are confusing so the home won't administer vitamin B or D until that gets cleared up).
My mom was walking around the home yesterday and thought someone with a walker was behind her so she paused and turned her head back to "see" if the person wanted to pass her. She kept looking but then thought she was mistaken until this woman called out to her sarcastically "I hope you got a good look!" because she thought my mom was staring. My mom turned back and walked back to the voice and explained that she was blind but thought someone was behind her so she was trying to see if they wanted to pass her. The lady (who had moved in the day before my mom) was absolutely (and rightfully) embarrassed but I guess my mom has now made a friend and they plan to walk the halls together today.
Anyway, I am feeling a need to go visit my mom again to make sure she is indeed settled. But we just had to buy a new dishwasher (it will be installed in 3 days) and really I don't think I can keep spending that money (or time!!) to go. Maybe we will go in the summer?
My mom was walking around the home yesterday and thought someone with a walker was behind her so she paused and turned her head back to "see" if the person wanted to pass her. She kept looking but then thought she was mistaken until this woman called out to her sarcastically "I hope you got a good look!" because she thought my mom was staring. My mom turned back and walked back to the voice and explained that she was blind but thought someone was behind her so she was trying to see if they wanted to pass her. The lady (who had moved in the day before my mom) was absolutely (and rightfully) embarrassed but I guess my mom has now made a friend and they plan to walk the halls together today.
Anyway, I am feeling a need to go visit my mom again to make sure she is indeed settled. But we just had to buy a new dishwasher (it will be installed in 3 days) and really I don't think I can keep spending that money (or time!!) to go. Maybe we will go in the summer?
Monday, December 22, 2014
Christmas is almost here. Jax and I spent the weekend in B.C. for a hockey tournament. They tied one game and lost three but the boys (and one girl!) had fun. We were able to see my brother and his family for an hour or so as well. And we picked up our favourite Canadian snacks like ketchup chips, hickory sticks, MARS bars, wine gums and Canadian Kraft Dinner.
We still have some shopping to do as well which is stressing me out. Not a lot (stuff for secret santa/yankee swaps) but I feel the pressure to get some great gifts. Also, one of the things I wanted to get for Stephen (kitchen knives sharpened) could not get done last week as planned because Cars sprained his ankle and I had to take him to the doctor when I was planning to go to the knife sharpening guy. So, I will just give him a gift certificate for it and find a time to get them done in the New Year.
Ok, off to do some wrapping!
We still have some shopping to do as well which is stressing me out. Not a lot (stuff for secret santa/yankee swaps) but I feel the pressure to get some great gifts. Also, one of the things I wanted to get for Stephen (kitchen knives sharpened) could not get done last week as planned because Cars sprained his ankle and I had to take him to the doctor when I was planning to go to the knife sharpening guy. So, I will just give him a gift certificate for it and find a time to get them done in the New Year.
Ok, off to do some wrapping!
Wednesday, December 03, 2014
It is official. My mom has chosen a move date for the assisted living home. Hurray! It is right after Christmas. I feel as though I should go back and help pack up things but I have been there 4 times already this year. My brother, sister-in-law and cousin and her husband will move and clear things out. I am excited for my mom to have less stress in her life.
Monday, December 01, 2014
I am home from my visit with my mom. It was very emotional and upsetting. It is hard to see her so helpless. Although there are a lot of things that she can do, some very basic things that she needs to survive and thrive are out of her hands.
My mom is obsessed with her medication. She does take a lot - not sure I can mention them all but let's try. Prednisone, insulin, metformin, lovastatin, levothroid, plus some drug for hypertension (not that she has it but apparently it protects her kidneys from complications of diabetes), Vitamin D, Vitamin B12, calcium, 2 different eye drops, aspirin and I forget what else. In total, she takes about 35 pills a day (the majority of them are prednisone which comes in 5mg tablets and she takes 65mg each day). Anyway, it is a huge ordeal for her, even though the pharmacy now puts the pills in blister packs for her. If she were in assisted living she wouldn't have to worry about getting her meds all ready for the next day and taking them at each meal (or whenever she needs to take them).
My mom is also obsessed with her food. Once she has eaten one meal, she is all ready thinking about getting things ready for the next. So, by 6am she is opening a can of salmon for her lunch. It is never ending and really all that she thinks and worries about (food and meds). So again, assisted living will ease these worries and she can go back to having a life that does not revolve around these things.
So, while I was in Toronto I took my mom to her doctor. My mom had been saying for months that "Until Dr. I tells me it is time to go to a retirement home, I will stay in my apartment". Clearly my mom needs more than just "a retirement home" - she needs to be living in assisted living. I told Dr. I what my mom had said about her not moving until she (Dr. I) said so and that I thought my mom was not being completely candid with her about the number of times she had run out of insulin (injected herself with nothing). I mentioned how obsessed she was with her meds and food, how she was a bit paranoid and sometimes would be spouting some crazy shit (I believe the prednisone is causing some of the mental health issues) like her insulin is being deleted into a file if she cannot test her blood properly or that when my brother in Vancouver calls her house, all of her voicemail messages disappear. The doctor said she had seen a personality change in my mom over the past few months (my mom took offense to this). However, the doctor said that my mom was an adult and if she chose to live "at risk" it was up to my mom. This really resonated with my mom. Really up until this point she kept thinking she was doing just fine, living alone, having my aunt do all of her shopping, taking her to all of her appointments, having the elderly ladies in the building help her out in the morning and evening to make sure she was eating enough (and not dropping her food on the floor!).
After that appointment, my mom did say that maybe she should move to assisted living ("maybe", not "I will"). I had taken my mom to look at one place a couple of days before and she had seen another two weeks prior with my sister-in-law. The next day my mom said she would like to go look at the other place again so we went to look at it but she was not as happy with it as she had been in the past (and she did not like the place that I took her to a few days before).
Then the day before I left, one of the ladies in the building who had been helping my mom out told me that it had been months and the ladies were all older than my mom and they just could not do it anymore. I knew this would happen. I told my mom from the get-go when she said they had all offered to help her. I had told her that it was not like she had broken her leg or was recovering from surgery. This was permanent! And here we are many months later, these ladies are tired and cannot keep it up. It was kind of them to have offered in the first place. But so impractical - on all levels! Then I had to tell my mom how they felt and that was crushing for her to hear. But I think that was also what was needed for to realize that she does need to go to assisted living.
I feel so badly for my mom. I think being blind has got to be one of the most frightening and saddest things to happen. Imagine not being able to read or play cards (two of her passions before she lost her sight), not being able to find something that you lost or see your hands while you try to prepare meals, dress yourself. My mom cannot see the sun or her grandchildren's faces. Imagine hearing a noise and not being able to see what caused it. Dropping food on the floor and not being able to find it and worrying that you will slip on it. Your basic safety is compromised.
So now we will be moving her into an assisted living facility. I think she has decided which one she wants to go to. I am glad she will be safe but I am sad that she will leave her friends behind. The place is not too far from her apartment but far enough for a bunch of elderly ladies who do not drive. Thankfully it is still close enough for my aunt to visit her regularly and my cousin lives just a couple of minutes away. Even my BFF is close by should an emergency arise and someone needs to get over to see my mom.
I hope my mom will be happy there.
My mom is obsessed with her medication. She does take a lot - not sure I can mention them all but let's try. Prednisone, insulin, metformin, lovastatin, levothroid, plus some drug for hypertension (not that she has it but apparently it protects her kidneys from complications of diabetes), Vitamin D, Vitamin B12, calcium, 2 different eye drops, aspirin and I forget what else. In total, she takes about 35 pills a day (the majority of them are prednisone which comes in 5mg tablets and she takes 65mg each day). Anyway, it is a huge ordeal for her, even though the pharmacy now puts the pills in blister packs for her. If she were in assisted living she wouldn't have to worry about getting her meds all ready for the next day and taking them at each meal (or whenever she needs to take them).
My mom is also obsessed with her food. Once she has eaten one meal, she is all ready thinking about getting things ready for the next. So, by 6am she is opening a can of salmon for her lunch. It is never ending and really all that she thinks and worries about (food and meds). So again, assisted living will ease these worries and she can go back to having a life that does not revolve around these things.
So, while I was in Toronto I took my mom to her doctor. My mom had been saying for months that "Until Dr. I tells me it is time to go to a retirement home, I will stay in my apartment". Clearly my mom needs more than just "a retirement home" - she needs to be living in assisted living. I told Dr. I what my mom had said about her not moving until she (Dr. I) said so and that I thought my mom was not being completely candid with her about the number of times she had run out of insulin (injected herself with nothing). I mentioned how obsessed she was with her meds and food, how she was a bit paranoid and sometimes would be spouting some crazy shit (I believe the prednisone is causing some of the mental health issues) like her insulin is being deleted into a file if she cannot test her blood properly or that when my brother in Vancouver calls her house, all of her voicemail messages disappear. The doctor said she had seen a personality change in my mom over the past few months (my mom took offense to this). However, the doctor said that my mom was an adult and if she chose to live "at risk" it was up to my mom. This really resonated with my mom. Really up until this point she kept thinking she was doing just fine, living alone, having my aunt do all of her shopping, taking her to all of her appointments, having the elderly ladies in the building help her out in the morning and evening to make sure she was eating enough (and not dropping her food on the floor!).
After that appointment, my mom did say that maybe she should move to assisted living ("maybe", not "I will"). I had taken my mom to look at one place a couple of days before and she had seen another two weeks prior with my sister-in-law. The next day my mom said she would like to go look at the other place again so we went to look at it but she was not as happy with it as she had been in the past (and she did not like the place that I took her to a few days before).
Then the day before I left, one of the ladies in the building who had been helping my mom out told me that it had been months and the ladies were all older than my mom and they just could not do it anymore. I knew this would happen. I told my mom from the get-go when she said they had all offered to help her. I had told her that it was not like she had broken her leg or was recovering from surgery. This was permanent! And here we are many months later, these ladies are tired and cannot keep it up. It was kind of them to have offered in the first place. But so impractical - on all levels! Then I had to tell my mom how they felt and that was crushing for her to hear. But I think that was also what was needed for to realize that she does need to go to assisted living.
I feel so badly for my mom. I think being blind has got to be one of the most frightening and saddest things to happen. Imagine not being able to read or play cards (two of her passions before she lost her sight), not being able to find something that you lost or see your hands while you try to prepare meals, dress yourself. My mom cannot see the sun or her grandchildren's faces. Imagine hearing a noise and not being able to see what caused it. Dropping food on the floor and not being able to find it and worrying that you will slip on it. Your basic safety is compromised.
So now we will be moving her into an assisted living facility. I think she has decided which one she wants to go to. I am glad she will be safe but I am sad that she will leave her friends behind. The place is not too far from her apartment but far enough for a bunch of elderly ladies who do not drive. Thankfully it is still close enough for my aunt to visit her regularly and my cousin lives just a couple of minutes away. Even my BFF is close by should an emergency arise and someone needs to get over to see my mom.
I hope my mom will be happy there.
Tuesday, November 18, 2014
I'm in Toronto, staying with my mom. I took her to see a retirement home/assisted living facility yesterday. She seemed put off by it. She really liked one that my SIL took her to a few weeks ago so maybe we just need to move forward with that one. They recommend that you stay for two weeks before you go in permanently so that you get an idea what your routine will be like once you are living there. Of course my mom won't consider the two week stay until after Christmas and just the fact that she would be paying rent here in her apartment *and*for the stay bugs her. She is so worried about money.
I am taking her to see the ophthalmologist today. It will be good to hear for myself what the doctor is saying because my mom doesn't tell everybody everything and we always have to confer to try to get the real picture. I also am taking her to see her regular doc tomorrow. That one was for me to tell that doctor that my mom is ready for assisted living because my mom kept saying "Dr. I doesn't think I am ready to go in". But again, my mom isn't telling Dr. I everything that is going on. My biggest concern right now is some psychosis from the prednisone.
And it is 5:45am right now. I've been up since 4when my mom tested her blood sugar with the talking monitor. Today will be a long day.
I am taking her to see the ophthalmologist today. It will be good to hear for myself what the doctor is saying because my mom doesn't tell everybody everything and we always have to confer to try to get the real picture. I also am taking her to see her regular doc tomorrow. That one was for me to tell that doctor that my mom is ready for assisted living because my mom kept saying "Dr. I doesn't think I am ready to go in". But again, my mom isn't telling Dr. I everything that is going on. My biggest concern right now is some psychosis from the prednisone.
And it is 5:45am right now. I've been up since 4when my mom tested her blood sugar with the talking monitor. Today will be a long day.
Wednesday, November 12, 2014
I am grumpy. I am concerned about my trip to Toronto and how it will go with my mom. I am not happy to be traveling there in winter weather. Ugh.
I am grumpy about our meetings with the financial planner. We thought we were in better shape that we are in terms of money for retirement and the kids' schooling. I am pushing for them to go to school in Canada where it is more affordable but DH wants them to have "an American university experience" which will put them or us in the poor house. Actually, we are good for them to go to colleges in-state but that limits their options. Also, in the paperwork that DH sent to them he referred to me with a family nickname and so throughout the 159 page document that they created they call me by that name and it bothers me. It is not my name.
I am grumpy because I put my jeans in the dryer and they shrunk. They go on and do up but they are about an inch too short now.
I am grumpy because I missed two weeks of my ultimate core class so when I went today it was so freaking hard. I missed them because of the ultrasound on my breast and because I cannot count hours and scheduled my hair appointment last week too close to the class start time and so when my appointment ran late, it was too late to go to my class.
I am grumpy because I hate the book that we read for book club and I have no interest in discussing it tomorrow night. I am sure that people have felt that way about the books that I have chosen in the past too.
Ok, time to do something to make myself ungrumpy...
I am grumpy about our meetings with the financial planner. We thought we were in better shape that we are in terms of money for retirement and the kids' schooling. I am pushing for them to go to school in Canada where it is more affordable but DH wants them to have "an American university experience" which will put them or us in the poor house. Actually, we are good for them to go to colleges in-state but that limits their options. Also, in the paperwork that DH sent to them he referred to me with a family nickname and so throughout the 159 page document that they created they call me by that name and it bothers me. It is not my name.
I am grumpy because I put my jeans in the dryer and they shrunk. They go on and do up but they are about an inch too short now.
I am grumpy because I missed two weeks of my ultimate core class so when I went today it was so freaking hard. I missed them because of the ultrasound on my breast and because I cannot count hours and scheduled my hair appointment last week too close to the class start time and so when my appointment ran late, it was too late to go to my class.
I am grumpy because I hate the book that we read for book club and I have no interest in discussing it tomorrow night. I am sure that people have felt that way about the books that I have chosen in the past too.
Ok, time to do something to make myself ungrumpy...
Monday, November 10, 2014
So, I am headed back to Toronto for just over a week to spend some time with my mom, to give my aunt a break at being my mom's caregiver and to convince my mom that she has to go to assisted living. It will not be a fun visit at all. My mom has already told me that I might not have time to see my in-laws while I am there. WTF?! They live about 3 miles from her. I will be seeing them. She doesn't need a babysitter 24/7. And if she does then that just proves that she belongs in an assisted living facility. Sad but true.
Saturday, November 01, 2014
With all of the appointments that I had last week (mammogram, woodcarving class, doctor appointment, breast ultrasound, financial planner and furnace guy), I only made it to one class at the gym last week. Then add way too much Halloween candy and a few arguments with various family members = my jeans are too tight. Aargh!
Wednesday, October 29, 2014
Whew!
Just plain ol' benign cyst.
One funny is that the radiologist has the exact same name as my dh (first and last but with one letter difference in the way it is spelt). So after he told me I did not have cancer we chatted for a moment about Irish heritage and he said that we (well dh anyway) are probably related to him from way back in their ancestry.
And then I went on with my day.
Get a mammogram.
One funny is that the radiologist has the exact same name as my dh (first and last but with one letter difference in the way it is spelt). So after he told me I did not have cancer we chatted for a moment about Irish heritage and he said that we (well dh anyway) are probably related to him from way back in their ancestry.
And then I went on with my day.
Get a mammogram.
Tuesday, October 28, 2014
Monday, October 27, 2014
October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month
For the past several years, I have had my annual mammogram done in October. Every time I book it, they always make me add a day from my last mammogram to ensure that the claim is not rejected by insurance. So what that means is that my mammograms are now at the end of October and in a couple of years my mammograms will be in November!
Ok, this may not seem like a big deal but it is to me. I like going in October. October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month. Also, it reminds me that I am doing something important for myself. Sometimes I treat myself to lunch before or afterwards. I always wear a pink bra in honour of all women with breast cancer and because of the breast cancer scare that I had 9 years ago. And soon I won't be going in October anymore! And that bothers me. Stupid insurance.
And P.S. I quite a few mini calcifications on the mammogram images today and of course I have worked myself up today into believing that I have cancer. And the tech said "They will read the films tonight and call you in the next day or two" ~pause~ "if they see anything. Or you will get a letter in the regular mail if there is nothing". Which made me think that she saw something too! It is funny because I have never, ever worried about my mammograms other than the first one after the biopsy until today. Arrgh!
Ok, this may not seem like a big deal but it is to me. I like going in October. October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month. Also, it reminds me that I am doing something important for myself. Sometimes I treat myself to lunch before or afterwards. I always wear a pink bra in honour of all women with breast cancer and because of the breast cancer scare that I had 9 years ago. And soon I won't be going in October anymore! And that bothers me. Stupid insurance.
And P.S. I quite a few mini calcifications on the mammogram images today and of course I have worked myself up today into believing that I have cancer. And the tech said "They will read the films tonight and call you in the next day or two" ~pause~ "if they see anything. Or you will get a letter in the regular mail if there is nothing". Which made me think that she saw something too! It is funny because I have never, ever worried about my mammograms other than the first one after the biopsy until today. Arrgh!
Friday, October 24, 2014
Well it is Friday and this week did not improve at all. A shooting at a high school in Marysville, WA was just what was needed to push me over the edge. I spent two hours watching news coverage and crying for those kids and their families. Our world is insane.
http://everytown.org/article/schoolshootings/
http://everytown.org/article/schoolshootings/
Wednesday, October 22, 2014
This has been a bad week and it is only Wednesday.
Cars is not doing well at school and we have been butting heads with his homework. I spent most of Sunday (which was unseasonably warm - abut 72 degrees and sunny!) inside helping him with a board game project (or bored game as he wrote on the instructions and he was adamant that THAT was the correct spelling because you play them when you are bored). We spent Monday night and last night and part of today after school to finish it up. I hate these projects that the kids cannot do without parents.
Monday I woke up with a lot of congestion in my ears and sinuses. Was feeling so sorry for myself. Yesterday was even worse so I have been taking Sudafed like it is going out of style for the past two days. Today while at my "Ultimate Core" class, I could not keep up. My heart rate kept jumping up very quickly way past my max heart rate limit. Finally I asked the trainer if Sudafed could be causing it and he said "YES!". At least I felt a bit better about not being able to keep up but it was very humbling.
My mom has is experiencing some sort of psychosis, probably from all of the prednisone she is on. I am heading back to Toronto for the 4th time since April. I think my aunt needs a break from her and my mom needs to be convinced that she needs to go into an assisted living home. Besides her blindness resulting from Giant Cell Arteritis, she keeps having falls so she has to use a walker at all times. She has run out of insulin a couple of times and has injected herself with nothing (very dangerous!). She cannot manage her phone at all and freaks out when someone comes in to help her and tells her she has missed calls but there is no voicemail. She has had the phone company set her rings to the max number before it goes to voicemail so most likely people are hanging up before it goes to vm (because it rings 16 times!!).
There have been two terrorist attacks in Canada this week and that makes me so sad. Both terrorists were "home-grown" men who converted to Islam and they attacked Canadian soldiers. I believe this is really going to change Canada into a mini-USA.
And I changed my Facebook profile picture to the same one I change it to at this time every year - a picture taken about 34 years ago of me, my sister and two of my brothers around a jack-o'-lantern. It is funny because my smile is all snaggly and I look like the jack-o'-lantern. And well all look so cute and I love it! Well, my sister, who has not spoken to me since Christmas for some perceived slight or whatever, hit the report button and wrote "Hi Pez, there's something about this photo that bothers me. Would you please take it down? and the photo was attached." And you know what? I thought F*ck you! She has not spoken to me for months and has the nerve to report this picture so I edited it using MS Paint (I wish I had Photoshop) and cut around her head and took it out. Then I put the new pic up with the comment that my sister reported the picture because she was bothered that she was in it. Then I deleted her as a friend. Well, she threw a fit (probably because a lot of people commented that she was ridiculous) and replied that I was a f*cking liar (?) and then she blocked me. Oh the drama!
I have spent my whole life trying to get my sister to like me. She took great joy in making me feel miserable. We shared a room while we were growing up (she is 5 years older). When she was a teenager and my mom let her smoke (seems so foreign now!) she would run up to our bedroom when my mom sent me to bed to smoke a cigarette because she knew how much I hated the smell of smoke in our bedroom. She used to stir her tea and then touch the hot teaspoon to my hand or arm. She would ask me if I would like to see a match burn twice and she would strike it, blow it out and then touch me with the just burnt match head.
She once tried to throw a spoonful of peanut butter at me but missed and hit my bff right in the middle of her forehead. After she moved out, she would occasionally come home for visits and my favourite pieces of clothing would disappear. I would complain to my mom but she would say that my sister did not make much money (as if I did?!).
Anyway, I always loved her and wanted her to like me but she never did. I haven't seen her in 11 years and I am sure I won't see her again until my mom's funeral. And I just don't care.
Cars is not doing well at school and we have been butting heads with his homework. I spent most of Sunday (which was unseasonably warm - abut 72 degrees and sunny!) inside helping him with a board game project (or bored game as he wrote on the instructions and he was adamant that THAT was the correct spelling because you play them when you are bored). We spent Monday night and last night and part of today after school to finish it up. I hate these projects that the kids cannot do without parents.
Monday I woke up with a lot of congestion in my ears and sinuses. Was feeling so sorry for myself. Yesterday was even worse so I have been taking Sudafed like it is going out of style for the past two days. Today while at my "Ultimate Core" class, I could not keep up. My heart rate kept jumping up very quickly way past my max heart rate limit. Finally I asked the trainer if Sudafed could be causing it and he said "YES!". At least I felt a bit better about not being able to keep up but it was very humbling.
My mom has is experiencing some sort of psychosis, probably from all of the prednisone she is on. I am heading back to Toronto for the 4th time since April. I think my aunt needs a break from her and my mom needs to be convinced that she needs to go into an assisted living home. Besides her blindness resulting from Giant Cell Arteritis, she keeps having falls so she has to use a walker at all times. She has run out of insulin a couple of times and has injected herself with nothing (very dangerous!). She cannot manage her phone at all and freaks out when someone comes in to help her and tells her she has missed calls but there is no voicemail. She has had the phone company set her rings to the max number before it goes to voicemail so most likely people are hanging up before it goes to vm (because it rings 16 times!!).
There have been two terrorist attacks in Canada this week and that makes me so sad. Both terrorists were "home-grown" men who converted to Islam and they attacked Canadian soldiers. I believe this is really going to change Canada into a mini-USA.
And I changed my Facebook profile picture to the same one I change it to at this time every year - a picture taken about 34 years ago of me, my sister and two of my brothers around a jack-o'-lantern. It is funny because my smile is all snaggly and I look like the jack-o'-lantern. And well all look so cute and I love it! Well, my sister, who has not spoken to me since Christmas for some perceived slight or whatever, hit the report button and wrote "Hi Pez, there's something about this photo that bothers me. Would you please take it down? and the photo was attached." And you know what? I thought F*ck you! She has not spoken to me for months and has the nerve to report this picture so I edited it using MS Paint (I wish I had Photoshop) and cut around her head and took it out. Then I put the new pic up with the comment that my sister reported the picture because she was bothered that she was in it. Then I deleted her as a friend. Well, she threw a fit (probably because a lot of people commented that she was ridiculous) and replied that I was a f*cking liar (?) and then she blocked me. Oh the drama!
I have spent my whole life trying to get my sister to like me. She took great joy in making me feel miserable. We shared a room while we were growing up (she is 5 years older). When she was a teenager and my mom let her smoke (seems so foreign now!) she would run up to our bedroom when my mom sent me to bed to smoke a cigarette because she knew how much I hated the smell of smoke in our bedroom. She used to stir her tea and then touch the hot teaspoon to my hand or arm. She would ask me if I would like to see a match burn twice and she would strike it, blow it out and then touch me with the just burnt match head.
She once tried to throw a spoonful of peanut butter at me but missed and hit my bff right in the middle of her forehead. After she moved out, she would occasionally come home for visits and my favourite pieces of clothing would disappear. I would complain to my mom but she would say that my sister did not make much money (as if I did?!).
Anyway, I always loved her and wanted her to like me but she never did. I haven't seen her in 11 years and I am sure I won't see her again until my mom's funeral. And I just don't care.
Wednesday, October 15, 2014
This is a great song. I have known it forever and it is featured in one of my favourite movies - "Love Actually". Here is a beautiful version of it:
http://www.bbc.co.uk/music/clips#p0286057
(God Only Knows by the Beach Boys)
http://www.bbc.co.uk/music/clips#p0286057
(God Only Knows by the Beach Boys)
Tuesday, October 14, 2014
Christmas?!
My mother called me in a panic on Friday to tell me that she is blind (duh!) so I must make the Christmas cake this year (fruit cake) and I must start it *immediately* because it needs to soak for weeks and weeks.
Since Jax and DH love the cake so much, I agreed to make it. So, I went out and spent close to $50 in supplies (not counting the 8 eggs, 1 pound of butter, 1 pound of flour and 1 pound of sugar that I already had on hand) to make this cake. Of course, because I did not read the recipe properly, I did not get it into the oven until a few minutes ago and it takes 4.5 hours to bake so it won't be ready to come out until 12:30am.
Anyway, I hope it tastes as good as hers - moist and yummy. I used the same recipe that she does but you know some people always change one or two little things so the same recipe made by two different people never quite taste the same.
Also, since I no longer eat wheat, I won't be able to even try this cake. If it weren't so expensive, I would try to make a gluten-free one to see how it tastes ($50 is a lot of money to throw away if it tastes like crap).
Hmmm...now I wonder if she expects me to mail a piece to each of my siblings (and to her!) as she always made it and mailed it. Maybe this is really just her way of saving money! ;) Just kidding. I know she would totally make this if she could see. So many changes for her since she lost her eyesight four months ago.
Since Jax and DH love the cake so much, I agreed to make it. So, I went out and spent close to $50 in supplies (not counting the 8 eggs, 1 pound of butter, 1 pound of flour and 1 pound of sugar that I already had on hand) to make this cake. Of course, because I did not read the recipe properly, I did not get it into the oven until a few minutes ago and it takes 4.5 hours to bake so it won't be ready to come out until 12:30am.
Anyway, I hope it tastes as good as hers - moist and yummy. I used the same recipe that she does but you know some people always change one or two little things so the same recipe made by two different people never quite taste the same.
Also, since I no longer eat wheat, I won't be able to even try this cake. If it weren't so expensive, I would try to make a gluten-free one to see how it tastes ($50 is a lot of money to throw away if it tastes like crap).
Hmmm...now I wonder if she expects me to mail a piece to each of my siblings (and to her!) as she always made it and mailed it. Maybe this is really just her way of saving money! ;) Just kidding. I know she would totally make this if she could see. So many changes for her since she lost her eyesight four months ago.
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