A few years ago I started a new blahg that I quickly lost interest in. I found it again tonight and re-read the 5 or 6 posts that I made. This one made me cry.
--------------------------------------------------
May 11, 2008
What difference did I make for someone today?  If it had not been for me, I guess my son would not have been able to eat waffles at school.  He is terrified to eat food that he does not bring to school and while his whole class was enjoying waffles to celebrate the end of the state testing, he sat at his desk reading his book until I arrived, 30 minutes late.  The moment he saw me he jumped up and ran over to me and lead me to the desk where the waffles were sitting, waiting for him.  They were cold but he did not care.  He carefully poured the maple syrup over them and topped them with the last of the whipped cream from the can.  He was so happy to be eating waffles like his classmates that he did not even mind or maybe just not notice that everyone else had already finished eating.
I stayed until he was almost done and then I whispered to him that it was time for me to leave.  He became agitated and started worrying about the syrup and the whipped cream.  We did not check the labels, he said.  I assured him that it was ok.  He looked down at his plate and announced that he was full and as he stood and carried his paper plate over to the garbage can.  I could see the joy that he had while eating the waffles -  just like all of the other kids - disappearing.  It was replaced with the flat affect he has developed to hide his disappointment.  He had become "that kid with the allergy" again.  And it broke my heart.  It broke my heart.

--------------------------------------------------

Man, it breaks my heart to read this and remember what an awful time it was when Jax would not eat because he was terrified of his peanut allergy. He lost so much weight that year - he was so painfully skinny. He was so scared and I was terrified at his distress and because I could not help him myself. Thankfully a year of counseling, including  using biofeedback, helped get him to realize that his thoughts about food and his peanut allergy were irrational. To this day, however, if he is stressed he will worry about his allergy and if food is safe for him to eat.

If I could have a do over, I would definitely do things differently. Maybe even starting with not eating pb while pregnant and nursing and refusing antibiotics for Jax when he was so sick all the time (colds/ear infections) from daycare.

Although to be fair to myself, Cars also has food allergies and I did not eat some of his allergens (I am not sure when the last time I even had a Brazil nut - maybe in the early 80s?!), he was not sick all the time like Jax (no daycare). He did not have antibiotics as much as Jax (no sickness, ear infections, etc).

Food allergies just plain suck.