Wednesday, October 17, 2012

So yeah, stress does suck.  I do not handle things well when I am stressed out. I become paralyzed and I do not function.  Then I get more stressed because I haven't done what I need to do.  Procrastination feeds my stress.  Stress paralyzes me and I procrastinate.  And so on and so on without end.

The thing is, it isn't just one particular thing that has led to this particular stressful time.  It is everything.  And when I sit down to write about them they seem so petty and trivial and "first world problem"-atic that I then get embarrassed that I am even stressed about them.  We have food.  We have shelter.  My family is (relatively) healthy. I do not ~have~ to work outside of the home.  So what the fuck am I so stressed about?  Why do I let things get to me?

Waaaay back when I worked at Big Computer Company, I took a class where you assess what kind of person you are.  I remember the RED was for attention to detail and I scored a big fat 0 on that.  I am not a detail person.  And right now I am doing two big projects that require me to pay a lot of attention to detail and I SUCK at it.  I have had sleepless nights.  I have been comforting myself with food and I have been thinking of hitting the bottle of Xanax (and I do not want to touch it!).  I hate this.

And the things that would make this better (eating healthier, exercise, sleep, NOT procrastinating) are not even on my radar. 

And, right now when things are so overwhelming, my baby has been sick for going on 5 days (and in the morning I will call the school to let them know he will miss the 4th day of school in a row).  Fever, malaise, vomiting, cough, congestion, losing his voice, etc.  I missed a PT appt today and was made to feel guilty because I asked my dh to stay home this morning so I could go to my annual mammogram.  Nice.

Ok, off to bed.  I know I won't sleep but at least I can pretend that I might.

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