So it has been a rough start to my mom moving into assisted living. They went on a lockdown a few days after she went in because so many residents had the flu (12 hospitalizations and 9 others sick at the time the lockdown started). It went on for 2 weeks because more and more residents kept getting sick. Thankfully my mom did not. Anyway, they finally lifted it but my mom had spent two weeks in her room, brooding and feeling sorry for herself and somehow has convinced herself that two of her doctors are "screwing her". OMG, she does not talk that way usually.

The rheumatologist is lowering the prednisone that she is one (still a huge dose) and she thinks she will therefore lose the little bit of peripheral vision that she has left. Also, usually when the prednisone dose goes down, her insulin dose has to go down as well. However, the assisted living centre needs a specific note from her doctor every time there is a change. The doctor says she will give them a verbal ok but they want a note and the doctor won't just write a note (without my mom being seen) to do that and my mom is livid. So much so that she wanted to fire her doctor and took a friend in with her for support do to just that. The doctor told my mom she knew she had a problem with her but the doctor did not have a problem with my mom. She then explained why she would not just write a note without my mom being seen and that just because the prednisone went down does not mean the insulin has to (my mom rants on and on about how the prednisone's diabetes is different than her diabetes!!).

Anyway, after the appointment, my mom's friend told my mom that the doctor's explanation made sense and my mom became angry and said that "Barb is now on Dr. Iwasa's side!". OMG, there are no sides! It is just the doctor, you know, the one with the medical degree, doctoring and being responsible and not bowing to her geriatric patient's whims.

So again, I am concerned about my mom's mental functioning. She is paranoid and seems incapable of rational thought at times. She has become belligerent and argumentative. It might be the meds or stress or maybe just old age causing some dementia. It is sad and scary. My cousin asked my mom if she wanted to live the rest of her life as a cranky person, yelling and arguing with everyone. Because that is what she has turned into. I so wish that I lived closer so that I could help ease everyone's burden and help my mom out. This is really hard for everyone and my mom, I know, is scared and worried all the time (she was like that anyway) and this has just been a harder transition than we were all expecting.

I am getting ready to have to go visit her again. At the very least, we will make a family trip this summer but I imagine I will have to go before then.

New Year marks 11 years...

I started this blahg 11 years ago this month. I just re-read my first post and I guess I had a previous blog that I don't even remember. I think I started complaining in it and decided that was not the tone I wanted but I am not really sure ... it is funny how we can forget things.

I will be 50 in a little bit - 86 days to be precise. I don't feel that old. I remember why my dad turned 50 (I was 16) and I teased him relentlessly about being 'half a hundred' and '5 decades'. He would get irritated with me. I wonder if he felt as young then as I do now.

I am trying to decide what I am going to do to celebrate my 50th birthday. It is definitely a milestone that needs recognition. A couple of years ago I started a 50 by 50 list but I think I only ever wrote 10 things on it. Too late for a new one?

My mom moved into assisted living a few days ago. I feel a huge sense of relief knowing that there are other people now helping her and that her meds and food worries have been taken away from her. Well, mostly away although she was complaining that they did not give her the right number of pills in the morning (the rheumatologist lowered her prednisone by 5mg so that is one less pill and apparently the doctor's orders on her vitamins are confusing so the home won't administer vitamin B or D until that gets cleared up).

My mom was walking around the home yesterday and thought someone with a walker was behind her so she paused and turned her head back to "see" if the person wanted to pass her. She kept looking but then thought she was mistaken until this woman called out to her sarcastically "I hope you got a good look!" because she thought my mom was staring. My mom turned back and walked back to the voice and explained that she was blind but thought someone was behind her so she was trying to see if they wanted to pass her. The lady (who had moved in the day before my mom) was absolutely (and rightfully) embarrassed but I guess my mom has now made a friend and they plan to walk the halls together today.

Anyway, I am feeling a need to go visit my mom again to make sure she is indeed settled. But we just had to buy a new dishwasher (it will be installed in 3 days) and really I don't think I can keep spending that money (or time!!) to go. Maybe we will go in the summer?

Christmas is almost here. Jax and I spent the weekend in B.C. for a hockey tournament. They tied one game and lost three but the boys (and one girl!) had fun. We were able to see my brother and his family for an hour or so as well. And we picked up our favourite Canadian snacks like ketchup chips, hickory sticks, MARS bars, wine gums and Canadian Kraft Dinner.

We still have some shopping to do as well which is stressing me out. Not a lot (stuff for secret santa/yankee swaps) but I feel the pressure to get some great gifts. Also, one of the things I wanted to get for Stephen (kitchen knives sharpened) could not get done last week as planned because Cars sprained his ankle and I had to take him to the doctor when I was planning to go to the knife sharpening guy. So, I will just give him a gift certificate for it and find a time to get them done in the New Year.

Ok, off to do some wrapping!

It is official. My mom has chosen a move date for the assisted living home. Hurray! It is right after Christmas. I feel as though I should go back and help pack up things but I have been there 4 times already this year. My brother, sister-in-law and cousin and her husband will move and clear things out. I am excited for my mom to have less stress in her life.

I am home from my visit with my mom. It was very emotional and upsetting. It is hard to see her so helpless.  Although there are a lot of things that she can do, some very basic things that she needs to survive and thrive are out of her hands.



My mom is obsessed with her medication. She does take a lot - not sure I can mention them all but let's try. Prednisone, insulin, metformin, lovastatin, levothroid, plus some drug for hypertension (not that she has it but apparently it protects her kidneys from complications of diabetes), Vitamin D, Vitamin B12, calcium, 2 different eye drops, aspirin and I forget what else. In total, she takes about 35 pills a day (the majority of them are prednisone which comes in 5mg tablets and she takes 65mg each day). Anyway, it is a huge ordeal for her, even though the pharmacy now puts the pills in blister packs for her. If she were in assisted living she wouldn't have to worry about getting her meds all ready for the next day and taking them at each meal (or whenever she needs to take them).

My mom is also obsessed with her food. Once she has eaten one meal, she is all ready thinking about getting things ready for the next. So, by 6am she is opening a can of salmon for her lunch. It is never ending and really all that she thinks and worries about (food and meds). So again, assisted living will ease these worries and she can go back to having a life that does not revolve around these things.


So, while I was in Toronto I took my mom to her doctor. My mom had been saying for months that "Until Dr. I tells me it is time to go to a retirement home, I will stay in my apartment". Clearly my mom needs more than just "a retirement home" - she needs to be living in assisted living.  I told Dr. I what my mom had said about her not moving until she (Dr. I) said so and that I thought my mom was not being completely candid with her about the number of times she had run out of insulin (injected herself with nothing). I mentioned how obsessed she was with her meds and food, how she was a bit paranoid and sometimes would be spouting some crazy shit (I believe the prednisone is causing some of the mental health issues) like her insulin is being deleted into a file if she cannot test her blood properly or that when my brother in Vancouver calls her house, all of her voicemail messages disappear. The doctor said she had seen a personality change in my mom over the past few months (my mom took offense to this). However, the doctor said that my mom was an adult and if she chose to live "at risk" it was up to my mom. This really resonated with my mom. Really up until this point she kept thinking she was doing just fine, living alone, having my aunt do all of her shopping, taking her to all of her appointments, having the elderly ladies in the building help her out in the morning and evening to make sure she was eating enough (and not dropping her food on the floor!).

After that appointment, my mom did say that maybe she should move to assisted living ("maybe", not "I will"). I had taken my mom to look at one place a couple of days before and she had seen another two weeks prior with my sister-in-law. The next day my mom said she would like to go look at the other place again so we went to look at it but she was not as happy with it as she had been in the past (and she did not like the place that I took her to a few days before).

Then the day before I left, one of the ladies in the building who had been helping my mom out told me that it had been months and the ladies were all older than my mom and they just could not do it anymore. I knew this would happen. I told my mom from the get-go when she said they had all offered to help her. I had told her that it was not like she had broken her leg or was recovering from surgery. This was permanent! And here we are many months later, these ladies are tired and cannot keep it up. It was kind of them to have offered in the first place. But so impractical - on all levels! Then I had to tell my mom how they felt and that was crushing for her to hear. But I think that was also what was needed for to realize that she does need to go to assisted living.

I feel so badly for my mom. I think being blind has got to be one of the most frightening and saddest things to happen. Imagine not being able to read or play cards (two of her passions before she lost her sight), not being able to find something that you lost or see your hands while you try to prepare meals, dress yourself. My mom cannot see the sun or her grandchildren's faces. Imagine hearing a noise and not being able to see what caused it. Dropping food on the floor and not being able to find it and worrying that you will slip on it. Your basic safety is compromised.

So now we will be moving her into an assisted living facility. I think she has decided which one she wants to go to. I am glad she will be safe but I am sad that she will leave her friends behind. The place is not too far from her apartment but far enough for a bunch of elderly ladies who do not drive. Thankfully it is still close enough for my aunt to visit her regularly and my cousin lives just a couple of minutes away. Even my BFF is close by should an emergency arise and someone needs to get over to see my mom.

I hope my mom will be happy there.

I'm in Toronto, staying with my mom.  I took her to see a retirement home/assisted living facility yesterday.  She seemed put off by it.  She really liked one that my SIL took her to a few weeks ago so maybe we just need to move forward with that one.  They recommend that you stay for two weeks before you go in permanently so that you get an idea what your routine will be like once you are living there. Of course my mom won't consider the two week stay until after Christmas and just the fact that she would be paying rent here in her apartment *and*for the stay bugs her.  She is so worried about money.

I am taking her to see the ophthalmologist today.  It will be good to hear for myself what the doctor is saying because my mom doesn't tell everybody everything and we always have to confer to try to get the real picture. I also am taking her to see her regular doc tomorrow. That one was for me to tell that doctor that my mom is ready for assisted living because my mom kept saying "Dr. I doesn't think I am ready to go in". But again, my mom isn't telling Dr. I everything that is going on.  My biggest concern right now is some psychosis from the prednisone.

And it is 5:45am right now. I've been up since 4when my mom tested her blood sugar with the talking monitor.  Today will be a long day.

I am grumpy. I am concerned about my trip to Toronto and how it will go with my mom. I am not happy to be traveling there in winter weather. Ugh.

I am grumpy about our meetings with the financial planner. We thought we were in better shape that we are in terms of money for retirement and the kids' schooling. I am pushing for them to go to school in Canada where it is more affordable but DH wants them to have "an American university experience" which will put them or us in the poor house. Actually, we are good for them to go to colleges in-state but that limits their options. Also, in the paperwork that DH sent to them he referred to me with a family nickname and so throughout the 159 page document that they created they call me by that name and it bothers me. It is not my name.


I am grumpy because I put my jeans in the dryer and they shrunk. They go on and do up but they are about an inch too short now.


I am grumpy because I missed two weeks of my ultimate core class so when I went today it was so freaking hard. I missed them because of the ultrasound on my breast and because I cannot count hours and scheduled my hair appointment last week too close to the class start time and so when my appointment ran late, it was too late to go to my class.


I am grumpy because I hate the book that we read for book club and I have no interest in discussing it tomorrow night. I am sure that people have felt that way about the books that I have chosen in the past too.


Ok, time to do something to make myself ungrumpy...

So, I am headed back to Toronto for just over a week to spend some time with my mom, to give my aunt a break at being my mom's caregiver and to convince my mom that she has to go to assisted living. It will not be a fun visit at all. My mom has already told me that I might not have time to see my in-laws while I am there. WTF?! They live about 3 miles from her. I will be seeing them. She doesn't need a babysitter 24/7. And if she does then that just proves that she belongs in an assisted living facility.  Sad but true.

With all of the appointments that I had last week (mammogram, woodcarving class, doctor appointment, breast ultrasound, financial planner and furnace guy), I only made it to one class at the gym last week. Then add way too much Halloween candy and a few arguments with various family members = my jeans are too tight.  Aargh!

Whew!

Just plain ol' benign cyst.

One funny is that the radiologist has the exact same name as my dh (first and last but with one letter difference in the way it is spelt). So after he told me I did not have cancer we chatted for a moment about Irish heritage and he said that we (well dh anyway) are probably related to him from way back in their ancestry.

And then I went on with my day.

Get a mammogram.

Darn! I did get a call back from them and I need to go in for an ultrasound tomorrow morning. Keep your fingers crossed for me.

October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month

For the past several years, I have had my annual mammogram done in October. Every time I book it, they always make me add a day from my last mammogram to ensure that the claim is not rejected by insurance. So what that means is that my mammograms are now at the end of October and in a couple of years my mammograms will be in November!

Ok, this may not seem like a big deal but it is to me. I like going in October.  October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month.  Also, it reminds me that I am doing something important for myself. Sometimes I treat myself to lunch before or afterwards. I always wear a pink bra in honour of all women with breast cancer and because of the breast cancer scare that I had 9 years ago. And soon I won't be going in October anymore!  And that bothers me. Stupid insurance.

And P.S. I quite a few mini calcifications on the mammogram images today and of course I have worked myself up today into believing that I have cancer. And the tech said "They will read the films tonight and call you in the next day or two" ~pause~ "if they see anything. Or you will get a letter in the regular mail if there is nothing". Which made me think that she saw something too! It is funny because I have never, ever worried about my mammograms other than the first one after the biopsy until today. Arrgh!

Well it is Friday and this week did not improve at all.  A shooting at a high school in Marysville, WA was just what was needed to push me over the edge.  I spent two hours watching news coverage and crying for those kids and their families.  Our world is insane.

http://everytown.org/article/schoolshootings/

This has been a bad week and it is only Wednesday.

Cars is not doing well at school and we have been butting heads with his homework. I spent most of Sunday (which was unseasonably warm - abut 72 degrees and sunny!) inside helping him with a board game project (or bored game as he wrote on the instructions and he was adamant that THAT was the correct spelling because you play them when you are bored). We spent Monday night and last night and part of today after school to finish it up. I hate these projects that the kids cannot do without parents.

Monday I woke up with a lot of congestion in my ears and sinuses. Was feeling so sorry for myself. Yesterday was even worse so I have been taking Sudafed like it is going out of style for the past two days. Today while at my "Ultimate Core" class, I could not keep up. My heart rate kept jumping up very quickly way past my max heart rate limit. Finally I asked the trainer if Sudafed could be causing it and he said "YES!". At least I felt a bit better about not being able to keep up but it was very humbling.

My mom has is experiencing some sort of psychosis, probably from all of the prednisone she is on. I am heading back to Toronto for the 4th time since April. I think my aunt needs a break from her and my mom needs to be convinced that she needs to go into an assisted living home. Besides her blindness resulting from Giant Cell Arteritis, she keeps having falls so she has to use a walker at all times. She has run out of insulin a couple of times and has injected herself with nothing (very dangerous!). She cannot manage her phone at all and freaks out when someone comes in to help her and tells her she has missed calls but there is no voicemail. She has had the phone company set her rings to the max number before it goes to voicemail so most likely people are hanging up before it goes to vm (because it rings 16 times!!).

There have been two terrorist attacks in Canada this week and that makes me so sad. Both terrorists were "home-grown" men who converted to Islam and they attacked Canadian soldiers. I believe this is really going to change Canada into a mini-USA.

And I changed my Facebook profile picture to the same one I change it to at this time every year - a picture taken about 34 years ago of me, my sister and two of my brothers around a jack-o'-lantern. It is funny because my smile is all snaggly and I look like the jack-o'-lantern. And well all look so cute and I love it!  Well, my sister, who has not spoken to me since Christmas for some perceived slight or whatever, hit the report button and wrote "Hi Pez, there's something about this photo that bothers me. Would you please take it down? and the photo was attached."  And you know what? I thought F*ck you! She has not spoken to me for months and has the nerve to report this picture so I edited it using MS Paint (I wish I had Photoshop) and cut around her head and took it out. Then I put the new pic up with the comment that my sister reported the picture because she was bothered that she was in it. Then I deleted her as a friend. Well, she threw a fit (probably because a lot of people commented that she was ridiculous) and replied that I was a f*cking liar (?) and then she blocked me. Oh the drama!

I have spent my whole life trying to get my sister to like me. She took great joy in making me feel miserable. We shared a room while we were growing up (she is 5 years older). When she was a teenager and my mom let her smoke (seems so foreign now!) she would run up to our bedroom when my mom sent me to bed to smoke a cigarette because she knew how much I hated the smell of smoke in our bedroom. She used to stir her tea and then touch the hot teaspoon to my hand or arm. She would ask me if I would like to see a match burn twice and she would strike it, blow it out and then touch me with the just burnt match head.

She once tried to throw a spoonful of peanut butter at me but missed and hit my bff right in the middle of her forehead. After she moved out, she would occasionally come home for visits and my favourite pieces of clothing would disappear. I would complain to my mom but she would say that my sister did not make much money (as if I did?!). 

Anyway, I always loved her and wanted her to like me but she never did. I haven't seen her in 11 years and I am sure I won't see her again until my mom's funeral. And I just don't care.

This is a great song. I have known it forever and it is featured in one of my favourite movies - "Love Actually".  Here is a beautiful version of it:

http://www.bbc.co.uk/music/clips#p0286057

(God Only Knows by the Beach Boys)

Christmas?!

My mother called me in a panic on Friday to tell me that she is blind (duh!) so I must make the Christmas cake this year (fruit cake) and I must start it *immediately* because it needs to soak for weeks and weeks. 

Since Jax and DH love the cake so much, I agreed to make it.  So, I went out and spent close to $50 in supplies (not counting the 8 eggs, 1 pound of butter, 1 pound of flour and 1 pound of sugar that I already had on hand) to make this cake. Of course, because I did not read the recipe properly, I did not get it into the oven until a few minutes ago and it takes 4.5 hours to bake so it won't be ready to come out until 12:30am.

Anyway, I hope it tastes as good as hers - moist and yummy. I used the same recipe that she does but you know some people always change one or two little things so the same recipe made by two different people never quite taste the same.

Also, since I no longer eat wheat, I won't be able to even try this cake. If it weren't so expensive, I would try to make a gluten-free one to see how it tastes ($50 is a lot of money to throw away if it tastes like crap).

Hmmm...now I wonder if she expects me to mail a piece to each of my siblings (and to her!) as she always made it and mailed it. Maybe this is really just her way of saving money! ;)  Just kidding. I know she would totally make this if she could see. So many changes for her since she lost her eyesight four months ago.

Last night was book club and it was my turn to host. We read a book (bio) about a drunk (and recovering) Christian and then the author called us via Skype. It was really fun. I really enjoyed the book (I won 12 copies for our book club from a book club site plus the chat with the author). Her book was really interesting and I loved her honestly and inner "voice". I wish I could write like that (although maybe I need to be a recovering alcoholic to do so?).  Anyway, she was funny, charming and interesting on Skype too.  Good times!

A few years ago I started a new blahg that I quickly lost interest in. I found it again tonight and re-read the 5 or 6 posts that I made. This one made me cry.
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May 11, 2008
What difference did I make for someone today?  If it had not been for me, I guess my son would not have been able to eat waffles at school.  He is terrified to eat food that he does not bring to school and while his whole class was enjoying waffles to celebrate the end of the state testing, he sat at his desk reading his book until I arrived, 30 minutes late.  The moment he saw me he jumped up and ran over to me and lead me to the desk where the waffles were sitting, waiting for him.  They were cold but he did not care.  He carefully poured the maple syrup over them and topped them with the last of the whipped cream from the can.  He was so happy to be eating waffles like his classmates that he did not even mind or maybe just not notice that everyone else had already finished eating.
I stayed until he was almost done and then I whispered to him that it was time for me to leave.  He became agitated and started worrying about the syrup and the whipped cream.  We did not check the labels, he said.  I assured him that it was ok.  He looked down at his plate and announced that he was full and as he stood and carried his paper plate over to the garbage can.  I could see the joy that he had while eating the waffles -  just like all of the other kids - disappearing.  It was replaced with the flat affect he has developed to hide his disappointment.  He had become "that kid with the allergy" again.  And it broke my heart.  It broke my heart.

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Man, it breaks my heart to read this and remember what an awful time it was when Jax would not eat because he was terrified of his peanut allergy. He lost so much weight that year - he was so painfully skinny. He was so scared and I was terrified at his distress and because I could not help him myself. Thankfully a year of counseling, including  using biofeedback, helped get him to realize that his thoughts about food and his peanut allergy were irrational. To this day, however, if he is stressed he will worry about his allergy and if food is safe for him to eat.

If I could have a do over, I would definitely do things differently. Maybe even starting with not eating pb while pregnant and nursing and refusing antibiotics for Jax when he was so sick all the time (colds/ear infections) from daycare.

Although to be fair to myself, Cars also has food allergies and I did not eat some of his allergens (I am not sure when the last time I even had a Brazil nut - maybe in the early 80s?!), he was not sick all the time like Jax (no daycare). He did not have antibiotics as much as Jax (no sickness, ear infections, etc).

Food allergies just plain suck.

Time keeps on slippin', slippin', slippin' Into the future

I haven't been good about posting on my blahg at all in 2014. I think because I post so much on facebook. Anyway, let's see where we are these days...

School started at the beginning of September. Jax and Dex are both in high school and Cars is in middle school. Jax and Dex seem to be doing well (according to their grades). Dex still spins out of control when he thinks he has too much homework. He cannot calm himself down to really take a look at what he has to do. Yesterday he was freaking out about his French homework and test that was today and he could not think rationally about what actually needed to be done. I had to sit down with him to keep him focused on answering each question. He seems to think that he will pick up French by osmosis and thinks it is cheating or he is "stupid" (his word) if he cannot memorize a word or phrase just by reading it once. And he compares himself to Jax (who is in his 3rd year of French, not first like Dex) or me (who studied French in grades K, 1, 2, 6-13 in Ottawa and Toronto). Yes, of course I know what "Fermez vos cahiers" means because I had teachers say that to me for YEARS! *sigh* In the end, when he came home from school today, he did really well on the test. Which is great but it won't be enough to convince him that he will be ok next time he starts to spiral out of control.

Jax is working hard. I think the school has really drummed it into the students that their junior year (grade 11 for my Canadian friends) is über important so he has buckled down to do his work. Not that he did not work hard last year but he seems to be a bit more focused this year. He is also busy with hockey and working at the nearby grocery store. Maybe he needs to cut back a bit on his work hours? It is hard to know what is the right thing to do - work a part-time job or spend 100% of his time concentrating on getting into a great university. There is so much pressure. Figuring out college / university is almost a full-time job and so stressful. Not at all what it was like when I went to school (a billion years ago and in Canada).

Cars...*sigh* He is just himself. He is struggling with not talking in class, keeping his homework straight and passing tests. He currently has an F in Math and Science (same teacher) and a D in Language Arts (although he has an A in PE!). He keeps forgetting to turn in homework assignments, write down homework and he does not put in 100% effort into his work. Punishing him does not work. His cell phone is his currency right now so I take it away from him when he gets home each day and he is not allowed to hang out with his friends after school until his grades improve. And they are not improving! And to top it off, he is being disruptive in Math and Science. Probably his other class too but he has an experienced teacher who can nip it in the bud whereas his Math/Science teacher is a new teacher.  Other than school is he doing great. He is funny and kind and playing hockey and over 5' tall!


Over 75% of the people in DH's group were laid off last month. Thankfully, he was not one of them. Big Bad Software company eliminated his group entirely so about 100 people were laid off and about 20+ were kept but sent to other areas. The people who were kept just happened to be working on certain projects (although that did not entirely keep people from being laid off). DH works very, very hard and was lucky enough to see that one project was important to the company and aligned himself with it. He his now in a new group and hoping that the last round of layoffs will not touch him again.

And me? I spent a week on jury duty at the Seattle Federal Courthouse (drug and gun trial). It was exhausting but interesting. I am still doing woodcarving and working out at the gym but eating enough to make up for the extra calories burned. I figure this year it is my job to help Jax figure out which university he should be going to (I am pushing schools in Canada) and to keep Cars from having to repeat 6th grade (it is the 6th week of school and I am already worried about this!). It is going to be a long year.